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Paranatural: Chapter 2/Transcript
Title page Alt text: Baseball bat in hand, Max must endure a night of haunting in his new house. Page 1 Alt text: Wearing a hat to bed facilitates baseball dreams. Page 2 Max: Haunt ME, will you!? PJ: MERCY, MERCY! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!! Max: ..Heh heh.. Max: ...ANSWERS. WHO ARE YOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE. PJ: AUGH! P.J.! I'm P.J.! I live here! Max: Ohh. P.J. I get it. PJ: ..That was my name before I died in my pajamas... Max: OK, P.J. listen up. I don't want any trouble... Alt text: Guys, I'm pretty sure what this comic needs is more characters. Page 3 Max: NOPE! Max: Hm? (FWISHH!) Max: Oh, that is so clicheYERRFP!! PJ: LEFTY, NO! PJ: LEFTY NOOOOOO Max: YOU'RE DEAD! ... I mean like again. You're double-dead. PJ: NOOOOOOO Alt text: If Max loses, he gets turned into a trophy and loses all his points. Page 4 Max: I'm not buying it, PJ. Max: Your grin was at least an 8.3 on the international scale of creepy. PJ: I was just flexing my face, Mr. Max, sir. Gotta make sure my muscles are ready in case I'm ever happy again. Max: 9.4 PJ: Here's the reality of it, Mr. Max. Lefty and I saw your family moving in and got super stoked... PJ: (flashback) Oh, awesomeboss! Max: Lefty saw? PJ': That night, I decided to get a closer look, maybe pass through you a couple of times. For kicks. Then you screamed and totes fainted. Max: Wai-what? PJ: Then I found out I couldn't pass through you! What's more, I could touch you like I was an alive person! So I did. And tonight I came to try again. PJ (flashback) Sweet gingersnaps, Lefty! Max: Dude you are creeping me out. PJ: See? NO harm meant or done! Max: Hissing. Their was a weird hissing noise last night, too. PJ: WHy, that was prolly just ol' Hissin' Pete! He gets really loud when he thinks he's in danger. PJ: I don't know what his deal is. Alt text: That lamp clocks in at a solid 7.6. Page 5 Max: So being able to touch me... that's weird? PJ: Oh yeah dude it's super weird. Usually I just pass through things. I've seen a few ghosts that can touch stuff, buuut that's only when they wanna. Like Lefty. Who passed through the floor a while ago. Max: HEY. ...What finger is that? PJ: You know what's even weirder? Talking to the dead. How are you doing that? Max: Oh, that's because... Max: I'm a zombie. Also I have superpowers. Cool ones. PJ: Lefty, be cool. This guy's hot gravy. What about that baseball bat? That touched us, too. Max: Hm? Oh, this bat is... Max: MAGIC. PJ: Oh, wizard! I can touch it and hold it and it's cold and heavy and oh wow, wow Max: Watch those tears. I don't want that thing all oxidized PJ: I'm a-rustlin' your blankets! I'm a rustler! Max: Easy, cowboy. Alt text: It's his pinky. Page 6 PJ: Oh, oh! You can be our liason to the world of the living! Rent us movies and stuff! Max: Uh... Max: PJ, bat. Max: BAT! Alt text: Gimme that bat so I can shut that guy up. Page 7 Max: I swear, hissing is the worst defense mechanism for things without poisonous fangs. Max: It just gives your exact location away for things that do have them. PJ: You mean like you're doing right now!? Max: ..Or it... could be nothing. Max: Man, PJ, how am I supposed to know which one of these ungainly little freaks set Hissing Pete off?! PJ: W-what if none of 'em did? Pete could've just realized there's a lotta scary stuff in the world. ..Like meteorites and the elderly. Alt text: Max's father's hobbies include taking doors off their frames, changing which way they open. Page 8 Max: PJ, take the lantern. I want Lefty's hands... I want his hand free. Max: Dude's got a mean left hook. PJ: I-I already told you, I can't hold things like Lefty can, Mr. Max. Max: Well why not? PJ: Well I... I can't speak for those creatures, but for dead folks... From my experience, to interact with the world, you need the will to... like you need the sense that you can touch things... should touch things. You need... you need... Max: Confidence? Max: Self-worth? PJ: heh heh have... Max: Wait, so you're saying Lefty's a ghost? Are you sure he's not a hand-shaped spirit? Max: Oh my. Them's tendons. PJ: Wun hud po-cent fleshblood, brother! Well not really 'cause he's a ghost bu you get what I mean Alt text: Unlike PJ, Lefty has firm handshake, winning, confident smile. Page 9 Max: So, PJ. Have you been, uh... dead for long? PJ: ..Too long. Max: Too long? You planning to pass on soon? PJ: Not my choice. Ghosts get all white n' forgetty after a while. Then they just fde away. Max: Well how long is "a while"? PJ: Well, it depe— Max: Five years? Max: My mom, she... If I could talk to— PJ: Was hers a sudden, grisly sort of death? Max: C-come agai—!? I mean, I gue— PJ: GREAT! PJ: All the more reason for your mother's phantom husk to still be haunting this torturous plane! PJ: Ha ha Alt text: Morbrgidity. Page 10 PJ: What's wrong, Mr. Max? Did Lefty do something to offend you? Max: Don't worry ab- Max: ..out... Max: ..it. Gorf: ..HRRRRRR Max: YOYOYO BACK THE FLIP UP! TURN OFF THE LAMP! TURN IT OFF! Lamp: GOOD NIGHT. I LOVE YOU. Max: I hate you, lamp. I hate yoouu. Alt text: Max's fear of each spirit based on their respective importance to the plot. Page 11 Max: That's iiitt! That's our guy! Max: Pete was looking down. It's downstairs, and nothing else is... 'cause them other critters a-scared! PJ: Is it... looking ati its own reflection? Max: GOOD. It's a narcissistic monster. That makes me feel better about it's impending braining. PJ: Lamb on a ham sandwich! that thing has superpowers just like you, Mr. Max! Max: haha right just like me Alt text: PJ in fact the ghost of Adam West-era Robin. Page 12 PJ: ...Mr. Max, how do your powers stack up against bringing reflections to life? Max: Oh it's no contest, PJ. PJ: W-well, what sort of... non-contest...would it...not be? You never said what powers you have. Max: Ghost-sight. The ability to conjure an impenetrable wall of cynicism. ...The potential to have actual superpowers in the future. PJ: I thought you were a hero. Max: Don't gimme that, PJ. That frog things' no threat. I'll just whack it like I— Max: OK that's a little out of my comfort zone. Gonna call for some backup. Alt text: A pragmatic ghost hunter would be happy with this turn of events, as the number of foes has decreased. Page 13 Max: Hello, Isabel? It's Max. We met earlier, uh... yesterday. Isabel: I recall. Vaguely. Max: Yes, well. I was just wondering how you felt about amphibian monsters because there is one in my house help please help. Isabel: Easy, newbie, easy. Is it aggressive? Are you being aggressed? Max: It has chosen to wage psychological warfare by repeatedly eating itself in front of me. Isabel: ...Is this a prank call? We only pacify violent spirits. Max: OHHH Don't you dare! Do NOT play the skeptical slasher movie cop! I am in clear and future danger! Isabel: Fine, fine. Just give me your address. Isabel: Mmhm...OK, We'll be there, but you better be able to prove this thing's ferocious. Byyye. Max: If you want proof, you can examine its humours. After you juice it. With that magic book. ...Hello? Alt text: Watching slasher movies at age twelve?! What kind of irresponsible parent would... oh. Page 14 PJ: Oh no it's coming this way! Why is it coming this way!? Max: Quickly! Upstairs— PJ: NO! The beast will see! Max: very well. Then must become the shadows. PJ: ...Max what are you doing? Max: ...Gonna loop around the store and sneak-smack it with my bat. ..Don't talk to shadows. Max: Hey, door's open now. Nothing's stopping ya. PJ can hide in the floor. Page 15 Gorf: HNN... HRRRRRGHOST-CHILD? BRAAAVE... TO BE SO CLOSE. Gorf: RRRRAWAY WITH YOU. I AM FEEDING... AND I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR THE DEAD. PJ: HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP Max: Um... uh... I'm not a ghost. Gorf: ABOMINATION! Gorf: YOU WILL BE SOON Alt text: Racist whale-frogs and what have you. Page 16 Gorf: JAILER! PARASITE! Gorf: TELL ME, SPECTRAL—HAVE THEY CHOSEN SHICH OF MY KIND'S FALLEN YOU'LL CHEAPLY IMITATE? Gorf: ...OR IS IT A YET EMPTY PRISON I NOW DESTROY? Max: You speak no sense. Prepare to die. Max: AAAAHH!! Max: NYURRRHH Gorf: BA HA! A SPIRIT MAKING HUMANS FIGHT A HUMAN! A GLORIOUS REVERSAL! Alt text: Max really shouldn't have to fight his mirror-selves until at least the seventh dungeon. Page 17 Alt text: WET PANTS. Page 18 Max: Gruuuhh... Max: Maybe not the best idea. Max: OH GOB MY NODSE Deffibidly nodda bedt ideeuh. PJ: LEFTY NOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO PJ: JUST LET THE UGLIES KILL EACH OTHER, YOU BEAUTIFUL FOOL! Alt text: Max doesn't have much time LEFT unless someone lends him a HAND. Ha. Ha. Ha. Hmm. Page 19 Gorf: AWAY. Gorf: THAT THING SHOULD HAVE PASSED RIGHT THROUGH ME! Max: Hey man I don't know why you're attacking me or why you think you're...legally...allowed... to assault a hcild, but uh... hey so can you stop Gorf: AH. YOU'RE THAT SORT. ... I COULD JUST DISARM YOU THEN. Max: Oh OH! in that case please do. I don't really want to see ghosts... or BE a ghots. See there were these weird kids at school— Gorf: STILL, YOU DIE. Max: HEY HEY BRO BRO PJ: Those are really terrible last words. Max: YOU SHUT ''UP, PJ! '''Max': GAH!! Alt text: PJ's last words were 'Heh, I accidentally buttered both sides of my toast.' This is not a joke. Page 20 Max: YO WHAT Alt text: Sometimes a giant snake monster is just a giant snake monster. Page 21 Max: Thanks for phasing through that glass. Polite of you. Gorf: HNNR!? Ed: You're all gonna die! Alt text: If Ed ever fights a fish guy, his pre-battle taunt is going to be Mermanto mori. Page 22 Ed: Don't worry, Max. I'll save you from whatever. Max: S'not me, Ed. ...It's a clone. Ed: Oh. Ed: I hate when that happens. Gorf: CHOOSE YOUR LAST AND SECOND TO LAST WORDS, INTERLOPER. I WILL CURSH YOU AND THEN DEVOUR YOUR GHOST. Ed: I've got 80 pounds of face-breakin' spectral muscle standin' between you and the rest of your life, not to mention there's an irate magical girl outside likely to be half as merciful with you as I'm not gonna be. So! I need you to hurry up n' choose before I acquaint you with your innternal anatomy: are we going to do this the easy way, or the I KILL YOU way? Gorf: WHAT WAS THAT? COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY IMAGINING THE SOUND OF YOUR BONES SNAPPING, FLESHGHOST. PJ: LALALALALALALA Alt text: The easy way is you kill yourself. Page 23 Gorf: ...BEHOLD... Gorf: ...PERFECSHBLUH Alt text: HAND PUN Page 24 Gorf: YOU DARE!? PJ: NOOOOO! PJ: GYAAH! PJ: OH ''GAWHAHAWD!'' THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPENNNN! Max: Man, that is eerie. You are so lucky you don't have to see this. Alt text: Nooooo, I don't dare! Page 25 Gorf: HAHAHAHA! Gorf: W-WHAT? Y-YOU... Gorf: JEEERRR.... Ed: WELP! I guess you could say HE'S Ed: ... dead. Alt text: Paranatural 2012: An Ed On Every Panel. Page 26 Max: ...I-Is that it? PJ: Ooch! Ed: Spectral lesson number, like, one or whatever: Git 'em 'fore 'ey gitchu! Gorf: YOU'RE A GIT. Ed: Oh, nice burn. Max: AAH! Ghosts have ghosts!? Gorf: SPECTRALS DROOOOL Ed: No, it's just a spirit on its last legs. Gorf: I DON'T EVEN HAVE LEGS, DUMBERT. Ed: Hahah! You're killin' me. Ed: Oh, uh... You don't have a family, do you? Max: What kind of question is that?? Alt text: Max's dad apparently snores smoke or something. Page 27 Gorf: WHAT I DO NOW IS A SHAMEFUL NECESSITY. BUT WILL IT LEAD ME DOWN A PATH OF REVENGE... Gorf: OR OF SERVITUDE— Mr. Puckett: SNRRRKFZZZ Gorf: YOU KNOW WHAT NAH. Mr. Puckett: ...baby doll where you get all them swords... Ed: Oh, thank GODNESS! Pursuit! Pursuit! Gorf: ...FADING...QUICKLY... ...MUST...POSSESS... ...NEAREST OBJECT... Ed: ACHACHA! We're tool late! Ed: Because that's a tool now. Bam! Taught! Howmai doin'? Max: Awfu—wwait, why do we stock toilet plungers? Alt text: THIS RUBBER SCEPTER WILL BE A MORE SUITABLE VESSEL FOR MY GRANDEUR. Page 28 Max: Hey, hey! You gotta pay for that!! Ed: Izzy! There wwas a bad spirit and I cut it real good but then it tooled up! Isabel: Ah, welll. One more for the archives. Max: Nice horse. Isabel: Nice face. Isabel: here, Max-o. We snagged you some Doctopi. THey won't heal you, but... Ed: Just put 'em where it hurts and they'll drain the pain in twain! Max: If you were interested in me avoiding pain you could have both fought, y'know. Isabel: We flipped a coin to see who'd risk going in. I lost. Max: ...I don't think you're taking my situation seriously enough. Alt text: Further proof that Isabel is messed up in the head: she had the ability to give that thing a paper horn, and didn't. Page 29 Isabel: Hey, you ran away yesterday. And we did warn you you were in danger. Max: So!? I wasn't told about frog men or... or giant time-freezing snakes! I needed—''need'', like, a manual, or... Isabel: Wait, a giant time-freezing snake? Oh! That's just... Isabel: ...cool. Max: NYURRHG SO FRUSTRATING! Max: Isabel, were you not terrified when you started seeing gho— Max: What, what are you staring at? Isabel: Seems you're being haunted, Max. Isabel: Shall I fix that for you? Max: No, but feel free to fix the glass Ed broke throwing that can. Ed: Huh? I din't throw nuffin', bubs. Max: Cans don't throw themselves! Isabel: They do in our world! Alt text: Especially cans. Cans specifically. Page 30 PJ: So those guys can see ghosts too? Max: ...Yeah. PJ: ...I don't like them very much. Max: Uh-huh. PJ: You're kind of new at this, huh? Max: First day on the job! Heh heh. Heh. Max: Hey, I, um, know I wasn't super cool tonight, but, uh... we're cool, right?